Burning Bridges

"In your anger do not sin…" -Ephesians 4:26(a) 

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." -Romans 12:18

Recently, a house just down the road from where my brother and his family live burned to the ground. Several people discussed how they had driven by the house on their way home from work or school and all appeared completely normal. Minutes later, they received phone calls telling them that there was little more than ashes where the house that had been located there for years once stood. Something that most likely took months, possibly years, to build took only ten minutes to disappear into flames.

Ever sent something up in flames in your life? I sure have. Not literally, mind you. You are not reading a blog written by an arsonist or pyromaniac. I am speaking figuratively here about the moments when we let our emotions run wild in the heat of the moment and find that what took so long to build with a person or place is quickly destroyed with flaming words and actions that cannot be taken back.

They call it "burning bridges" for a reason. We do damage, whether permanent or not, to our connection with someone (friends, spouses, coworkers, family members, children, fellow church members, employers), and, at least for a while, maybe forever, the path you had to that person is gone. What is left is a gaping hole between the two of you and often one within your heart filled with shame, regret, and wishes to turn back the clock to the time before carelessly lit that match and tossed in on an already explosive situation.

Many of you might be ready to interrupt me with, "But you don't know what they did to me!" That is true; I don't. But I do know what has been done to me in the past, and it is plenty enough to justify a big ol' whoppin' sinful reaction…at least in the eyes of man. You see, God tells us that even when we have a valid reason to be angry, we never have an excuse to sin in response. The first part of Ephesians 4:26 tells us, "In your anger do not sin…" God knew that we would get viciously gossiped about, unfairly passed over for promotions and honors, heartbreakingly betrayed, unreasonably judged, and so much more. He knew that actions would be taken against us that would produce a natural response of anger and hurt. Our calling is NOT to NOT experience those understandable reactions, but to work in cooperation with the Holy Spirit to not allow them to control us and lead us to behave in an ungodly, fiery manner.

Is that easy? Well, goodness no…at least not for people like me. To say that I am easily controlled by emotions at times would be an understatement. I fight tears during Hallmark commercials, scream at the television during the rare football game that I watch, and have set several bridge burning fires (again figuratively, not literally) in my lifetime in situations much more important that commercials or football games. You know that corny slogan that Smokey the Bear says, "Only you can prevent forest fires"? Here's my corny but true relationship version: Only you and Jesus can prevent bridge-burning fires. It has to be a God thing. No matter how much self-control a person has, the devil can and will always find a way for it to go up in smoke unless that self-control is the kind found in Galatians 5:22-23, the only version worth having.

Here are some ways that I have found to help prevent starting a bridge-burning fire: 

1. Step away from the situation. Even if it is just going in a different room from the person you have been arguing with or finding a reason to end a phone call that is bordering on explosive. Get some distance, breathe, and let God know that you need Him to help you exercise the fruit of self-control that He planted within you when you were saved.

2. Pray, pray, pray. In addition to asking for His help,  be honest with God. Spill your guts, so to speak. He knows what is in your heart anyway, and speaking it to Him before unloading it onto others can prevent a bridge-burning fire as He cools your emotions and speaks peace to your heart. Continuously ask Him for wisdom in handling the situation, self-control in your responses, and the ability to freely pass on His love, forgiveness, and mercy to others.

3. Consider the future ramifications of your actions before you take them. Sure it might feel good to breathe fire at that person now, but what about how you will feel when you see them at church, work, school, or even daily in your home afterward? What about when other people who look up to you hear about how you conducted yourself? What about the friends and family you share with that person who will be wounded whether directly or indirectly by your actions? What about when you will have to face God in prayer, confess that even though that person was wrong, you were too, and ask His forgiveness for hurting Him, the other person/people, and yourself?

4. Know when to cross a bridge away from someone before you end up burning it. There are times when God does call us to end a friendship that is no longer beneficial for either person, quit a job when He leads us on a different path, leave a church when He has another place for us to serve, etc. The key is to recognize this, pray about how to handle it, and walk across the bridge with obedience, honor, and humility. If you are sure (completely apart from emotions that can cloud judgment) that it is God's desire for you to make an exit from a relationship, do so in a way that intentionally harms no one and glorifies Him. Staying somewhere too long after God has said to leave can cause you to feel trapped and ready to set fire to whatever you think is blocking your path of escape. (P.S. I am not talking about marriage. There are biblical reasons for divorce and times when spouses need to leave home for the safety of them and/or their children, but that is not the topic of discussion here.)

From my heart and experience to you and yours, setting relational bridge-burning fires is NEVER worth it, and it always requires much prayer, time, and effort to rebuild, if that is even an option. It is our decision whether or not to destroy, but only God can stir in the hearts of all involved to allow reconstruction to occur. Sadly, there are occasions when, as a result of our sin, those bridges are permanently damaged and the connection between us and that person as it previously existed will never again take place. Thankfully, God also permits seasons of redemption when what was destroyed can be replaced with something new and stronger than ever.

Prayer: 

Dear Lord, thank you that You can help us prevent the mistake of setting fire to the bridges in our lives and that You can help us rebuild burnt connections even after we've disobeyed You and done so. Please remind and help us not to cause damage that could be permanent and assist us in reconstructing anything that we've torn down that You wish to see repaired. We love and praise You always. In Jesus's name, Amen.